So, last year I really wanted to improve myself. In fact, for years I have wanted to and ended up implementing very few things I have read about, or having failed attempts. These failed attempts have slowly chipped at me making me feel unworthy.
It’s ironic, my endeavours to improve myself ended up being my downfall. In retrospect, back when it started I was doing absolutely fine. Now I’ve been in a hole - but, I’m getting out. And, one realisation I’ve had lately is helping a lot.
Last year, during this yearning for self improvement, I got into making daily routines. I spent ages making them, tweaking them every day. They’d be starting at 6am and plan my day up until the evening. I thought “if I just follow this everything will be okay”. Yet, I never did. And over time I thought it was a failing not being able to follow this army worthy daily routine I had created for myself.
Then a couple of weeks back, I realised, wtf Ellie. That’s so much. And I do nothing in the mornings, when I have work usually I’m just on time (or late) and if I’m free I don’t do much in the mornings. So, how was I supposed to suddenly do so much out of nowhere?
This lesson I think is about setting your sights too high, I was giving myself too much and was always going to ultimately fail. But, these routines I was creating were the end goal. What I could aspire to over time of working up to it. So, what do I do now?
With this cognition, I realised the first step is actually waking up in the mornings. Being there and able to do stuff (I’m in bed till the last possible minute usually…). So, in the mornings I’ve been trying to wake up slowly. The daunting task of following that routine is gone, and I’m free just to simply be awake, maybe make breakfast. And, I’m actually doing it.
For work this is great, cause I have been on time and more alert when I start my shift. On days off it’s great cause I don’t feel stressed in the mornings. I’m starting to enjoy mornings, and it took abandoning my own goals I had spent so much time thinking I had to do.
Just having a morning is a step, and over time I can see myself adding little practices such as meditation to my mornings. But, it starts with the small step of simply getting up and getting ready without the rush. Having breakfast. A shower. God, my bar is so low… but this is progress for me.
I’m excited to see where a naturally manifesting morning routine takes me, instead of studiously designing one I had little chance of following. So, let’s see! I’ll update in a few weeks or months when things begin to take hold. But for now, I'm just enjoying actually having a morning.